Milestones

I come from a family of tight-lipped, "we can do it alone" people.  To honor my parents' dignity, I have protected their secrets.  At my own expense.  It's hard for them to accept community and support, and as I play along with their story, I am not able to receive the support that would be helpful for me.

Now it's all breaking down.

Less than six months ago, my dad and his four brothers were all here with us.  As of last night, three of the five have passed on.  My dad and his youngest brother are all that are left. 

That is, if you consider my dad "here".  He has been in the hospital since early Friday morning. I think that he is getting a little better, physically.  Mentally...  his dementia is over-the-top now.  My dad has not been "here" for a long time.

Now that there is only one brother left - and he is a brother that my parents speak with a lot - I am free to talk about what's going on.  I'm free to speak the words that bounce around in my mind. 

My uncle who died last night was the uncle that I spent the most time with as I grew up.  His family lived less than an hour away from my early childhood home.  But in those days, the trip seemed to me like a 500 mile trip.  You had to plan for it and give up a whole day.  Well, I really didn't feel like I was giving anything up, because Uncle Wallace was the father of my favorite cousins.  My cousin, Kathy, was the same age as me and we really had a girlfriend thing - almost like sisters.  It wasn't so much fun with the boys.  As boys can be known to do, they enjoyed picking on us girls, but now that we are adults, one of the male cousins is a good friend who I am so glad to have in my life

Uncle Wallace liked to camp and he was an excellent camper cook.  I remember gathering wild strawberries and other berries (whose types I can no longer remember) with my aunt and cousin. Then Uncle Wallace made berry cobbler on the Coleman stove. Major yum!

And when my brother substituted a rubber hot dog for one of the cousins' grilled hot dogs, Uncle Wallace, who was in on the joke, kept a straight face as he urged his son to just bite a little harder, since sometimes hot dogs have tough skins.

Sometimes it seems like a line of dominoes got set off.  As my uncles have fallen so quickly, I find more preciouness in the family members that are left.  Talking with my one remaining uncle today, an uncle I haven't communicated with much, I find a new place of love and support.  We are a smaller family now, so we have to take care of each other.

And today I let go of the stories of a need for independence that I have lived under for so long and I open up to the beauty of transparency and receiving love from wherever it wants to come.

Michael is listening to a video of a flash mob in the next room.  They are singing the Hallelujah Chorus. 

I dedicate that song to support Uncle Wallace in his liberation.