Little Ms. Dharma

I shouldn't be writing this right now.  The Cutest Puppy In The World is asleep. 

This is my opportunity to clean the kitchen, deal with the papers on my desk, and pick up shredded newspaper that decorates the floor of the bedroom, hall, and my office.

It's actually really nice to be able to sit at this computer, uninterrupted and un-bitten, though.  The hands that type these words are polka-dotted with injuries from puppy teeth.  I am Swiss cheese.

It's a good thing that puppy faces, puppy bellies and the popcorn smell of puppy feet can win me over every time.

When Nothing Needs to be Said

My parents' anniversary is this Saturday.  It will be the first wedding anniversary since my dad died.  My mom just wants this week to be over.  Funny, when I was a kid and said that I wished it was such and such a day because I was really looking forward to whatever was supposed to happen then, my mom would tell me not to wish my life away.  Now she's wishing a part of her life away. 

Mom was all watery on Sunday when we went over there.  She was fixated on a sad dream.  At first, I tried to be logical.  Kind of stupid to do that at that moment, and I'm sorry for that.  I finally realized that there was absolutely nothing that I could do except to be there.  So I shut up.  I sat and looked at my mom and felt compassion for how hard this is for her.  People aren't used to having others shut up.  I think Mom thought I should be saying something, but there was nothing to say.

Actually, contrary to my perceived need to say something to my mom while she was all upset, I have not had a lot to say lately.  I kind of find this baffling, but I mostly like it. 

When I left for my last retreat, I felt so full of noise, I thought that if I never heard another conversation again, it would be fine.  More than fine.  That's why I needed five days of silence.  I was full and needed to be emptied.

Empty is good.  It feels spacious.  There's room for wondering and not knowing, for spontaneity and magic.

They'll Have To Do It Without Me

I have stood in vigils for peace since the build-up to the war with Iraq in 2003.  Nine years.  I started a Women in Black vigil in my town over seven years ago.  I figure that I stood for peace for at least 350 hours, just in that vigil alone.  It has been a powerful and moving experience for me - in so many ways. 

And today I quit.

I won't go into the details of my crazy decision-making ways.  I will just say that, while on my most recent retreat, which you can read a little about here, it became very clear to me that I was done.  I know that when I hear a voice inside telling me to do or not do something, it's very wise to pay attention. 

It will be strange to have nothing scheduled in the middle of the day on Saturdays.  But you know what they say about a vacuum...

I don't know what will replace my commitment to the Women in Black vigil.  I'm thinking that it needs to be something very life-affirming.  Something that speaks to our commonality as humans and gives us joy, no matter our politics, our religion, our nationality, or anything else. 

I feel smiley inside just thinking about that!