Privilege

My friend sent me this little card yesterday and it made me cry:

Tomorrow has already come.  I am no longer the daughter.  I am a partner in a journey.

What a privilege to be a caretaker of my sweet, sweet dad in these most intimate of times.

Four Hawks

Life was feeling overwhelmingly hard

until I drove to the airport and back


on the drive

four different hawks

in four different places

eyeballed me

three on light poles

and one on the branch of a tree

how can we forget

the goodness of life

when sharing this planet

with such majestic beauty?



I already know it's everywhere

even in times that feel hellish

there is something sweet to notice

but the birds

they give me more strength

than any super hero

ever dreamed of having.



In deepest gratitude to the wonder...

Milestones

I come from a family of tight-lipped, "we can do it alone" people.  To honor my parents' dignity, I have protected their secrets.  At my own expense.  It's hard for them to accept community and support, and as I play along with their story, I am not able to receive the support that would be helpful for me.

Now it's all breaking down.

Less than six months ago, my dad and his four brothers were all here with us.  As of last night, three of the five have passed on.  My dad and his youngest brother are all that are left. 

That is, if you consider my dad "here".  He has been in the hospital since early Friday morning. I think that he is getting a little better, physically.  Mentally...  his dementia is over-the-top now.  My dad has not been "here" for a long time.

Now that there is only one brother left - and he is a brother that my parents speak with a lot - I am free to talk about what's going on.  I'm free to speak the words that bounce around in my mind. 

My uncle who died last night was the uncle that I spent the most time with as I grew up.  His family lived less than an hour away from my early childhood home.  But in those days, the trip seemed to me like a 500 mile trip.  You had to plan for it and give up a whole day.  Well, I really didn't feel like I was giving anything up, because Uncle Wallace was the father of my favorite cousins.  My cousin, Kathy, was the same age as me and we really had a girlfriend thing - almost like sisters.  It wasn't so much fun with the boys.  As boys can be known to do, they enjoyed picking on us girls, but now that we are adults, one of the male cousins is a good friend who I am so glad to have in my life

Uncle Wallace liked to camp and he was an excellent camper cook.  I remember gathering wild strawberries and other berries (whose types I can no longer remember) with my aunt and cousin. Then Uncle Wallace made berry cobbler on the Coleman stove. Major yum!

And when my brother substituted a rubber hot dog for one of the cousins' grilled hot dogs, Uncle Wallace, who was in on the joke, kept a straight face as he urged his son to just bite a little harder, since sometimes hot dogs have tough skins.

Sometimes it seems like a line of dominoes got set off.  As my uncles have fallen so quickly, I find more preciouness in the family members that are left.  Talking with my one remaining uncle today, an uncle I haven't communicated with much, I find a new place of love and support.  We are a smaller family now, so we have to take care of each other.

And today I let go of the stories of a need for independence that I have lived under for so long and I open up to the beauty of transparency and receiving love from wherever it wants to come.

Michael is listening to a video of a flash mob in the next room.  They are singing the Hallelujah Chorus. 

I dedicate that song to support Uncle Wallace in his liberation.

Pay It Forward Day

I have to say that thinking about all of the possibilities, and then the logistics for those possibilities, is more fun than actually carrying out the Pay It Forward deed. 


On Facebook, I saw that some guy named David is hosting his 2nd annual Pay It Forward Day today.  I'm all over that! 


And so are over 535,000 other people!  Just think, one person suggests a day of action and a huge chunk of the world changes. Over a million people will either be paying it forward or receiving an unexpected act of kindness.  And those are just the ones that we know about!


So last night, it took a long time to go to sleep, because my mind was sifting through various scenarios of how I could best use this PIF day.  I came up with the idea that I would keep my act close to home.  I know someone who lives nearby who is not doing well financially and because of that, not doing so well stress-wise, either.  Today I will send the person a gift card that will help with groceries.


Oh, I am so excited!


I've been following Reed as he has journeyed through A Year of Giving.  He has been giving away $10 to someone new every day for almost a year now.  He doesn't just hand the $10 out of his car window as he drives by a person with a sign that asks for money, he gets to know the stories of his recipients.  That has made an impact on me.  People need food and money, but they need to be heard and to feel connection just as much. 


Because I am paying it forward anonymously, which is definitely called for today, I won't get to spend time with the recipient of my gift.  But I have done that many times already.  For me, today is about not needing to hear a thank you.  It's also about re-igniting hope in my recipient and offering the knowledge that this is a kind world.

Have you had any memorable experiences while paying it forward?

Look! Up in the Sky!

I feel like a sneak when I go out the door, walking shoes in hand, sandals on feet, and saying goodbye to the Buddha dog because he can't come along on our hike to refresh body and soul.  Once in the car, I stealthily switch footwear and become....

HIKER WOMAN!


I am pretty much over being sad about the fact that my favorite hiking buddy is no longer able to come along to my favorite places.  It's at the point now where a woman has to do what she has to do.  With me, there is a direct correlation between hikes taken and a zest for life.  Even Buddhas benefit from having a sane momma!


So today Mr. CFP and I piled on layers and headed out early.  It wasn't long before the sun warmed our bones, and hats, mittens and jackets came off. 


And it wasn't long before we saw our first red-tailed hawk perched on the branch of a leafless tree.  As we neared him, he took off in flight, first soaring in front of the perfect half moon, then sailing over our heads as if to check us out.  A feathered friend of his joined him and they danced in circles in the sky.  

If we would have had our cameras with us, I would have been able to show you the hawk we saw today - with a half moon shining behind him.

How can I express the way moments like that do my heart good, how I can feel the smiles go all the way from my lips, through my belly and down into my toes?


I'm remembering something my friend recently told me.  It's a quote.  I don't know the author and I can't remember the exact words, but it was basically that without wildlife, we would be very lonely.


I agree.

Letter To Blog

Dear Blog, you are falling down on the job.  Blogs are supposed to have words and photos posted to them on a semi-regular basis.  You have been slacking lately.

I would help out, but I am too busy and wordless.  You are on your own.  

Right now, my darling daughter is in town.  This is a busy week with time spent with her, time spent celebrating my mom's 81st birthday, and hours needed in preparing the Thanksgiving dinner for my phambly.  


Other reasons that I can't help you do your job:  

I really don't have a lot to say even though I'm having a great time.

I've started knitting another preemie baby cap - it should be done by the time it's too hot for hats, if I keep going at this snail's pace.

I'm reading Ram Dass' newest book, Be Love Now.  It's nice spending time with Ram Dass - such a sweet man.

I think that I'm needing a good warm beach experience... 

...because I'm here in cold Colorado bundled up and trying to stay warm with a thermostat turned low as we aspire to be good stewards of this earth.

If I don't find a warm spot, I will have to stay snuggled in my travel bag until the spring thaw.



So be a good Blog and take care of things until I can get my mojo back.  'K?

At What Point Does Someone Who Paints Become a Painter?

And when does someone who (sometimes) knits become a knitter?

I don't know.  All I know is

Whooooohoooooo!  

I just finished knitting my first hat! 

It's a preemie baby hat.

 I'm going to donate it to some sweet little baby girl who I'll never know.  I smile just thinking about her.

This is the first three-dimensional piece that I have knitted.  Before this, I was limited (by my beliefs) to only creating dishcloths and simple scarves. 

SLOWLY, the intimidation factor is being unwoven.  I still can't imagine creating patterns like G.G.  In fact, I can't imagine following most patterns.  But a year ago, I would have said that I could never knit a hat.  Sooooo I guess I am reminded once again to never say never.  I may someday be a knitter 4 peace!

Oh, What A Day

With four layers
of sweaters and jackets
on the top part of my body
and a double-layered bottom half,
I still shivered
while standing in silence for peace.

Only a week prior,
we stood vigil in t-shirt weather.
80 degrees.

Makes a body crazy, I tell ya.

Anyway...
I came home, warmed myself with hot soup
and even warmer conversation.

Our third "official" interreligious gathering.
Three of us in my living room,
plus one by phone.

Islam, Judaism, Sufism, and the Integral Perspective
all represented in one room
with the intention of
exploring
listening
understanding.

So beautiful.

Something happens that is
inexplicable.

The only words I know
that come close are

Open-hearted
Love

Dream

In the mid-70s, IT came to me as a beautiful woman.  Dressed in white and bigger than life, she held me close in what felt like the most loving hug/caress I have ever known.  She was pure love.  She was very present, quiet, and kind.  She seemed like a Heavenly Mother.  I felt enveloped with the pure love that came through her.  That was maybe the most beautiful moment I had ever experienced.  To this day, I can still feel it.

I have had more dreams since then.  IT can come as a male or a female.  Each time, I fall deeply in love, though there is not even the least hint of sexual energy.  No, as great as sexual energy feels, this is a thousand times better.

Last night IT came in the form of my spiritual teacher, the man who has helped me to grow and learn to love over the last five years.  My teacher is usually dressed in black, blues and grays, but in my dream, he was dressed in reds and blues and oranges.  Beads dangled from his wrists.  He hugged me and I felt that same unconditional, pure compassion wash over and through me.  I told him how happy I was to see him.  And because he was dressed so out of character, I told him that he was a wild man.

Do I know how to accurately explain the whole-body feeling, the every-single-cell experience of this unconditional, all-encompassing love?

No.

I just know that IT's real.

Far Out!

I guess I'd better post something today so that we can all forget yesterday's Halloween post...

Mr. CfP and I just spent four days in the mountains at a quaint little dog-friendly getaway destination in Frisco.

Scene:  Quaint, little dog-friendly, wooden complex of buildings with giant mountain backdrop.  A dusting of snow remains from the previous weekend's snowstorm.  Mr. CfP gets out of the car to go into the office.  A man who appears to be in his late 50s/early 60s walks up to Mr. CfP.

Man:  Are you here to check in?
Mr. CfP:  Yes.
Man:  Right on!

Right on!!!  I LOVE it!  Haven't heard that since the early 70s when I used to hang out at the park wearing my bell bottoms and playing Frisbee. 

Whooohooooo!!!!  Honey, I'm home!

It was LOVELY.  Other than exploring the area by walking among the aspens and pines every day, we were kind of lazy.  Well, actually, that would be VERY lazy.  It was renewing.

I didn't even take a single photo!  Lugged the camera up there and left it in its case.

But we did watch the Rally for Sanity and/or Fear.  (Which couldn't have happened at home, considering the television here is solely for videos and has no cable or dish or any of that other stuff hooked up to it.)

The highlights for me:

Yusuf Islam (because I love the man)
Kid Rock's new song, "Care"
Jon Stewart's closing speech


Since I don't have any photos from our little trip, I'll just have to post a photo of a piece of one of our homegrown beets. 

I dedicate this beet photo to the DUDE at the quaint little dog-friendly getaway destination.  I think he'd like its tie-dyed look.