30 Things

I found this on the blog, A Walk in the Drizzle. I thought it sounded like a nice exercise. The suggestion is to jot down 30 thoughts in 30 minutes. I found that I got done in about 25 minutes. And it was much more interesting than cleaning my office, which is what I set out to do today.

1. The gray sky seems to hold secrets behind it. They are let out when the skies become transparent and the sun can smile freely. Or is it always free?

2. I hear birds singing. Incessantly singing. Oh, to be so what I am that my life manifests as my song.

3. I have been cleaning off my desk this morning. It's so easy for me to accumulate "important" things that can't be let go. I read each piece of paper as I go through the piles and I find a wealth of wisdom; quotes that I have written from my teachers or from others. Does keeping them on paper make me wise, also?

4. I found an old friend on Facebook. I always loved her. We have very different lives. Am I still able to love through all of the differences? I want to practice that. If I can't, I am a fake when I believe that we can avoid war and work together in this world.

5. I think of the peas underneath the dirt in my garden. They are busy pushing upward toward the sun that I KNOW is behind those clouds. I love the thought of the innocence of those little peas doing their thing.

6. We went to the park, looking for the owl and the owl nest. I feel like sometimes I try too hard to get what I want. When I quit "trying", things come. I usually see raptors when I am trying the least.

7. Thirty things, huh? Okay.

8. "How to dismantle an atomic bomb. Love. Love. Love." That's what is written on a piece of paper in front of me on my desk. Written in my husband's handwriting. A Bono quote.

9. When I remember this very moment, there is such a sweetness. I truly believe that I can access that, remember that, relax into that at any time and taste the sweetness.

10. Yesterday, on my way to the dentist, I got the hiccups. I seem to get them more than any adult I know. As I drove myself to the dentist office, I was holding my breath, trying to rid myself of the constant hiccuping. I knew that I would hic really loud as I held my mouth open for the dentist to work inside. I would be embarrassed, but it would be funny, too.

11. As I waited in the chair for the dentist to come, I got the thought that I could just relax my diaphragm. I did. That was that. So easy.

12. My mom's cousin goes to the same dentist. I was talking to the dentist about her and her husband. I said things about them that is none of my business to say about them. I wonder why I do that.

13. I never want to talk about other people again. I've said that before. I'm better than I used to be, but I NEVER want to talk about other people again.

14. I told the dentist that he and my mom's cousin will have to talk about me when I'm not there, since I talked about my mom's cousin when she wasn't there.

15. Do I talk about people to soothe my ego? So that I look like I know something? So that I can be somebody?

16. It's painful to me that I do that.

17. The Buddha dog wants to go outside. I know because I hear his heavy breathing behind my back. His way of talking...

18. I am learning that I don't have to attach to the stories that float past my consciousness.

19. The story that I feel bad about talking about my mom's cousin. It is only there when I bring it up. Where does it go when I'm not thinking about it?

20. I love my mom's cousin.

21. When I'm not an "I" that wants people to be the way I want them to be, I feel so much love for it all.

22. If we all knew how free we were, if we let go of our personalities, egos, "I"s, would we finally realize that no one can take anything away from us?

23. I am trying to not be attached to the finches staying in their nest outside our porch. I mean, how cruel to want them to do something for me. Most important is that they do what is best for their family.

24. Birds and spring flowers and babies open up my belly. I physically feel my belly get bigger and more open inside. I did the same thing for myself yesterday, opening up my belly, when I relaxed my diaphragm. It's all the same.

25. I want my office to be clean and organized, because suddenly, I'm feeling that that is a great gift of love for myself. It will free the mind.

26. Ram Dass asks, Do you want to be a meditator or do you want to be free?

27. We can't be free and be the same people that we were before. If we think that we will be thinking the same thoughts we've always thought and also be free, we're wrong. Are we willing for who we think we are to die in order to be free?

28. I used to think that love was an emotion, a feeling. I'm seeing that differently now. Thank God!

29. Love is the pea sprouting under the soil, the bird building the nest wherever it thinks is best, the owl hiding its nest so that people like me can't find it, the Buddha dog wanting to go outside when it's time. And me letting all of that happen.

30. Good thing I'm at the end. Love is letting my poor arm rest after I have asked it to type this much.