(Almost) 55 And Still Alive

But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion
- Moody Blues

Every once in awhile - oh, about once a year - a birthday comes along, and with it comes some reflecting. One of the graceful things about aging is that, over a lot of years, we accumulate much to reflect on, and reflections can create clarity. Or, in some cases, more confusion, I guess.

I remember rollerskating at the roller rink in the Kansas town where I lived. I was about eight years old. One of my favorite songs to skate to was Big, Bad John by Jimmy Dean. Oy. Anyway, I remember skating around in circles, the lights above us changing the floor from red to green to blue and, for some reason, I decided that I would not live past the age of 50. Fifty was old. I didn't want to be old.

Well, that plan has been blown away!

I had a pretty hard time turning 30 and then again when turning 40. I took things WAYYYYY too seriously then. At 30, I thought that my life should offer me more than it had so far, so I jumped ship out of my marriage to go find out what the "more" could be (I only ended up finding me - and I had been here all along!). At 40, I dwelled on what I thought was a fact - that half of my life was over. At the time, that was a depressing thought for me. Now it doesn't sound so bad. Especially considering that 40 would have been not one half, but four/fifths, of my life if my earlier wish to not see 50 had come true.

Today, while bathing, I wondered how the heck I came to live in a body like this. Everything is changing. Did I get transported into someone else's bag of bones? As I washed, I thought about how obvious my bodily changes were during the first 16 or so years of my life. After that, it seemed that my outer appearance kind of settled and stayed the same for about 34 years. The last 5 years, rapid and obvious changes have begun again and if I live long enough, they'll be going on for awhile, I suppose.

Caterpillar: Who... are... you?
Alice: Why, I hardly know, sir. I've changed so much since this morning, you see...
Caterpillar: No, I do not C, explain yourself.
Alice: I'm afraid I can't explain myself, you see, because I'm not myself, you know.
Caterpillar: I do not know.
Alice: I can't put it any more clearly, sir, because it isn't clear to me.

- Alice in Wonderland