I woke up this morning and thought, "I'm just done with this." Meaning this situation with my dad. It's been a hard year.
I remember when I was in labor with my daughter and a time arose where I just wanted to yell, "Stop the presses!" Or something like that. "Can we quit now?" But there was no quitting (thank God) and there is no quitting now. Labor - whether it's about being born into this life or being born into whatever is next - moves in its own sweet time. And I do mean sweet. Because it really is all perfect. My dad must be doing some important work during this time of drawing in.
And after my early morning feeble attempts at quitting something that is unquittable (can't find that word in the dictionary, but it's definitely Googlable and I like it), Mr. CFP told me about his dream last night where our wonderful Buddha dog came to visit him. And I find that I miss Buddha so much. A part of me wants to yell, "Stop the presses! Can we just go back to a time when I could kiss my Buddha's sweet cheek and smell his doggy paws???" But missing... it's perfect, too. Like labor, the grief moves in its own sweet time.
I'm definitely experiencing some sadness today, but feelings are like a big pot of vegetable soup. Within the broth of complete fine-ness, there is a little sadness, a bunch of wonder at the beauty of the white snow outside my window, a pinch of curiosity about what is next, and some chopped up motivation to get some stuff done around here today. Oh, and big hunks of gratitude for this amazing life and the beautiful people in it.
I just can't quit any of it. And that's okay.
awwww .. look at buddha's stocking. i still miss my black cat that passed on 12 years ago even though i have 2 cats and a dog now.
ReplyDeletethe thing with alzheimer's or perhaps with anybody whose parent is slowy slipping away, is that there is all this pre-grieving going on. and then there is still the grieving to go through too. but, like you said grief moves in its own sweet time .... (what a great way to put it)
Last week I dreamed I was hiking and got stuck in a crevasse- could see the valley floor, but no idea how to get there. Could not go up or down. Sound familiar? When I explained the dream to a friend she realized that it was not me who was stuck it was my backpack- my baggage-- my attachments. I have not yet figured out how to drop the pack. But it's a good insight. Know you are NOT alone in your journey- we are with you!
ReplyDeleteSending Love,
That stocking is so very sweet! Have you ever read Tear Soup? Your mention of 'vegetable soup' made me think of it. I still pull it off the shelf from time to time. I don't think of you as a quitter - and those of us who read your blog will benefit from whatever you share about 'not quitting.' Peace.
ReplyDeleteFoam,
ReplyDeleteWas your black cat a once-in-a-lifetime cat? Is that why you still miss him/her after 12 years? Out of all of the cats and dogs that have lived with me in my lifetime, Buddha and one other dog (Jethro) were the two 4-leggeds that stole my heart away like no other.
There has been much learning and healing going on during this "pre-grieving" time. And I'm sure there will be more when the final grieving occurs. Life is good at giving us what we need! It helps to be able to know I walk a road that you and so many others have walked - and that you came out the other side as awesome as you are!
Liz,
ReplyDeleteYep, we are never alone in this, are we? Thank you for sharing your dream and your Liz-ness! I think that we just need to put down our pack. Just set it down. And every time we pick it up again, we just remember to put it down again. It's that remembering part... ;-)
Thinking of you and your family this holiday of firsts. Love to you!
G.G.,
ReplyDeleteI have not heard of Tear Soup. Will go to the library site and order it right up. Thanks for mentioning it!
No, I am not one to quit - except when it comes to some knitting projects - and that's not really quitting, just putting aside for a more auspicious moment. ;-)
And Peace to You, dear G.G.
So sorry. It is hard how some change is permanently changing and we can't go back. But you have a good attitude that there is beauty in the journey anyway.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers
Thank you, Diana. Love back to you. I miss seeing you!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd Peace, to you, Carol.
ReplyDelete