On my Healing into Life blog, I recently posted a list of things to remember as I go through this incredible journey with Michael and the diagnosis of Mantle Cell Lymphoma that he has been given.
A few days before I wrote that post, I had visited with a friend – a good friend, one who I look up to for many reasons – and that friend had said things about cancer and Michael’s choice of treatment. I took it all in and by the next day, it was throwing me into a tailspin.
It was not pretty.
I felt scared and confused and totally depressed. I don’t know how much the decision to decrease my hormones at that time had to do with my extreme black mood. I wasn’t suicidal, but I did warn Michael that I was going to work my way through all of this, and if I did get to be suicidal, I wanted him to do something to stop me.
After two days, a good nap, and the release of negative ions that a gentle rain offers (we don’t get those moments often here in Colorado), I came out on the other side. I was still not happy about what the person had said, but I could once again see the sun shining.
Still, I set up an appointment for today with a therapist I had worked with in the past. I realized that the next time I spoke with my friend, I didn’t want to lay my stuff on him as he had done with me.
But last night, everything changed. I suddenly saw that my friend had only been holding a mirror for me so that I could see my fears regarding Michael’s diagnosis. If I hadn’t been afraid already, my friend’s fears would have only been…. well HIS fears. I would have felt compassion that he was so scared.
He gave me a wonderful gift! The gift of having my worries all spread out in the open, on the table like a breakfast buffet. I could either keep living with them or clean up that table.
I don’t want to live in fear. This moment is absolutely wonderful, precious. I have no idea what the future holds, and I don’t need to make up stories that probably won’t even come true. I choose to show up fresh, clear, and loving RIGHT NOW. THIS is what I have.
I was an easy study for my therapist today. I had already done most of the work. We took a few minutes to see if anything on the buffet was even real food - it wasn't. It was all made up stuff about what might happen in the future. So we threw it away.
We never know how our friends will help us out, do we?