A Great Gift

On my Healing into Life blog, I recently posted a list of things to remember as I go through this incredible journey with Michael and the diagnosis of Mantle Cell Lymphoma that he has been given.

A few days before I wrote that post, I had visited with a friend – a good friend, one who I look up to for many reasons – and that friend had said things about cancer and Michael’s choice of treatment.  I took it all in and by the next day, it was throwing me into a tailspin. 

It was not pretty. 

I felt scared and confused and totally depressed.  I don’t know how much the decision to decrease my hormones at that time had to do with my extreme black mood.  I wasn’t suicidal, but I did warn Michael that I was going to work my way through all of this, and if I did get to be suicidal, I wanted him to do something to stop me.

After two days, a good nap, and the release of negative ions that a gentle rain offers (we don’t get those moments often here in Colorado), I came out on the other side.  I was still not happy about what the person had said, but I could once again see the sun shining.

Still, I set up an appointment for today with a therapist I had worked with in the past.  I realized that the next time I spoke with my friend, I didn’t want to lay my stuff on him as he had done with me. 

But last night, everything changed.  I suddenly saw that my friend had only been holding a mirror for me so that I could see my fears regarding Michael’s diagnosis.  If I hadn’t been afraid already, my friend’s fears would have only been…. well HIS fears.  I would have felt compassion that he was so scared.

He gave me a wonderful gift!  The gift of having my worries all spread out in the open, on the table like a breakfast buffet. I could either keep living with them or clean up that table. 

I don’t want to live in fear.  This moment is absolutely wonderful, precious.  I have no idea what the future holds, and I don’t need to make up stories that probably won’t even come true.  I choose to show up fresh, clear, and loving RIGHT NOW.  THIS is what I have.

I was an easy study for my therapist today.  I had already done most of the work.  We took a few minutes to see if anything on the buffet was even real food - it wasn't.  It was all made up stuff about what might happen in the future.  So we threw it away. 

We never know how our friends will help us out, do we?