I remember a post I wrote here on January 29th titled, "Saying Yes". I didn't come up with that topic by myself.
My friend, Lesa, and I challenge ourselves to write on a different topic each month. Then we share our writing with each other. Every month is like Christmas. I wait in anticipation of our deadline when I will get to open an email that will contain the gift of Lesa's voice in prose or poetry. And every month, I get to stretch myself by delving into a subject that I might not have otherwise thought about. In January, our topic was "Saying Yes".
My mind had been churning on that piece for a couple of weeks. And, as usual, when conditions were right, it spilled out of me in no time at all. It spilled out of me three days before Michael's lymph node biopsy, eleven days before we heard his diagnosis of Mantle Cell Lymphoma.
How beautiful that a week and a half after proclaiming my exuberant yes-ness, I would be tested in such a way as I have been tested. Did I really mean what I said? Can I say "Yes" to Michael's cancer? Can I say "Yes" to any treatment that he may undertake, no matter what? Can I, as I wrote, truly say "Yes! to what comes next:"?
It hasn't been so easy. Does it count that I haven't said, "No"? I haven't railed at the gods and at the company that exposed Michael to toxic chemicals 25 year ago. But there have been times that I have resisted this. Fear has caused me to hesitate when asked if I want to see the PET scan photos. And I have closed down a couple of times out of fear of losing myself. It's ironic that I ended up losing myself by the very act of closing down in order NOT to lose myself.
Good thing I gave myself an "out" in that poem, only saying that "there are days when it [Yes] swells in her heart and out through her pores". It doesn't happen every moment. I have seen the days when it wasn't so yessy around here, and they aren't real pretty.
I don't believe that saying "Yes" to this cancer will make it proliferate any more than I think that hating it will cure it. But loving it will ensure that no part of Michael, no part of our life together, no part of me will be cut off from wholeness and love.
Even the least wise among us can have a tad of wisdom, although they often misplace it. So, I tip my hat to one of the least wise men I have known about and I take his misplaced wisdom and put it where it belongs: Dear Life, Bring it on! I say Yes to what comes next!