While I Was Gone

He traveled to Gandhi's ashram in India so that he could learn about satyagraha, wondering if he could use it to instigate equality for blacks in the U.S. It was 1949 - a year after Gandhi's death.

I never did find out many of the details of Uncle Ralph's experiences in India. I do know that he shot and killed a tiger while there. My family used to have a couple of tiger teeth we would show our friends - maybe those teeth are still in some box in my parents' basement. I know there is still a photo of the tiger's hide in some photo album, and I studied the somewhat decaying orange striped feline remnants fifty years later when I visited my uncle on what I perceived as a quest to learn more about the Gandhi that I loved and the family from which I descended.

While I was traveling in Michigan this past week, Uncle Ralph died. My mom told me during one of our "how is life going with the broken shoulder?" conversations. The news slipped right through my brain and it wasn't until the next day that I realized it and mentioned it to my friend. With the intensity of my travels, and the immediate overwhelm of coming home to the situation with my parents, I have not had the time to let the fact sink in that the uncle I knew best, but didn't know at all, is now gone.

This morning, I pulled out the thick file of Uncle Ralph letters.

I initiated contact with him in the late '90s with two intentions - one stated and the other kept to myself. 1) I wanted to learn, as close to first-hand as possible, about the Gandhi I loved. Even though Gandhi died before he got there, Uncle Ralph had been closer to the man than anyone I had ever known. 2) I wanted to learn about my heritage from someone with a voice different than that of my parents'. There is no truth to these things, only different perspectives.

Looking through my uncle's letters, I remember that I got very little of what I was looking for; instead, I received a lot of thoughts and advice about writing. You see, my uncle was eternally working on his big novel - the novel that was never finished.

In 1999, I even flew to Ohio to visit Uncle Ralph. I spent five days with him and learned many things, just not what I had intended.

I've grown in the past eleven years and I plan to re-read the letters in this file. I realize now that I wanted something that didn't exist. Uncle Ralph gave me what he had. How precious is that???

We can spend our lives looking for what we think should be, but then we end up completely missing the reality that is staring us right in the face.

Farewell, dear Ralph. Thank you for all that you gave your niece who has now finally let go of her agendas.

I hope I remember this lesson so that I can be more present to others in my life.

Adventures into the Unknown

Lighthouse as seen from the top of the Mackinac Island house that owns the beautiful flower gardens up there in my blog banner.

Mackinac Bridge at Sunset

From the outside, it would look as though my travels were about visiting a friend and sightseeing. But most of what truly happened, happened within me. I didn't know when I left home that I was taking off on a ride that would change the way I perceive the world in many ways.

I learned a lot about love.

I saw how much I tend to close down when faced with the unknown, AND I learned how to open to those scary, unknown things, only to find out that my ideas about them were much worse than reality.

I experienced and practiced total acceptance of others and myself. For the first time, I lovingly accepted this body and this being.

I stayed an evening and a night with a family that lives with love, respect, excellent boundaries, and the ability to truly enjoy each other as friends. So alive! So refreshing! I can't necessarily have that, but I can be that.

During much of my trip, I felt as though I was stepping off into thin air. I felt a tiny bit wiggly, but I found that I was 100% safe. That was empowering.

Why do I feel like crying as I read over what I just wrote? I think because the experience was so dear, so valuable. I am thankful for it all. I feel like the "real me" (whatever that is) was awakened. I feel freer, lighter.

We are all capable of being free from our ideas of who we are. They are only ideas, after all. Not facts.

Sometimes it takes a wonderful friend who lives a different life to help nudge us a little past our imagined safety net that we think we hide behind. The thing is, there is no safety net and we are always free-falling in this wonderful, beautiful life. We only need to open our eyes and hearts to enjoy it.

No Time Left For You

No time left for you
On my way to better things
No time left for you
I found myself some wings
No time left for you
Distant roads are calling me

- The Guess Who

Wowsers! Things have been crazy busy! And now I am getting ready to leave. Flying out tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. Oh my yawn-ness gracious! I'll have to be up at 4:00 a.m. for that.

Another song applies here:


Running on empty...

- Jackson Brown


I'm excited about some of the stuff that has been happening (maybe I'll write about that at another time, maybe not) and I'm a little challenged by other stuff, particularly the parental situation.

My mom broke her shoulder yesterday and since she is the primary caretaker for my 90 year old dad with severe dementia, this is not ideal. Besides my dad's memory problems, he has physical problems that really require a caretaker. Time will tell...

Of course my mom's little accident occurred at a less-than-ideal time - a day and a half before my flight to MICHIGAN to see my friend who I love and adore. I have never been to see her there. Being with her is a very healing experience for me. It will be great.

Did you know that my friend's parents live a couple of doors down from Michael Moore? They know him as a neighbor. What would I say to him if, by some fat chance I got to meet him???



Adios, Amigos!

Castlewood Canyon; Chapter 2

Castlewood Canyon really does have more to see than just windows.


A Dam Story

For some reason, I love this story:

The Castlewood Dam was completed in 1890, using only the power of men, mules and horses. It began leaking immediately, but repairs and a good dose of denial kept things going until 1933 when, after two days of rain, the walls came tumbling down. Fortunately, the caretaker was aware of the crumbling structure and word spread fast enough to save all but two lives while 1.7 billion gallons of water rushed 40 miles into Denver.

Remains of the dam

1.7 billion gallons of water. Can you imagine the power???

You can read more about the ill-fated Castlewood Dam here.



Wildlife

What we didn't see: rattlesnakes and ticks. And I'm not complaining about that! Also, no bears, coyotes or mountain lions.

Some of the wildlife that we did see:

Crayfish! As a young kid in Kansas, we saw these all of the time.

Big, fat toad (and lots of cute, little baby toads)

And the views...!

Pikes Peak

I'm still collecting hiking buddies, so if you are ever in the area and in the mood to walk in heavenly places, jus' lemme know!

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. - John Muir

Windows

My friend, Diana, and I hiked in Castlewood Canyon State Park yesterday. Neither of us had been there before and we didn't know what to expect. We found a piece of paradise in Colorado. I may write more about the hike later, but today I'm only sharing one small part - the windows in the old Lucas Homestead. All but one of the photos below came from that house which was built sometime in the late 1800s/early 1900s.

Strange things blow in through my window on the wings of the night wind and I don't worry about my destiny. - Carl Sandburg

Up until about the age of 31, I had a deep fear of windows if they were still uncovered after the sun went down. My fear that I would see a man looking at me through the glass paralyzed me so much that if the window curtains hadn't been closed by the time darkness came, I was not able to enter the room. That all changed after my divorce. I think it was due to the fact that I was then completely responsible for my young son and daughter. I became the Mother Lion and fear moved on.

Oh, You can see the little children all around
Oh, You can see the little ladies in their gowns, when you

Look through any window, yeah
Any time of day

- From the song, Look Through Any Window by the Hollies

We have attended the monthly vigil at the Aurora, Colorado I.C.E detention center three times. It is the place where our federal government takes people they consider to be "illegal immigrants". People who may have lived here and worked here and raised a family here may suddenly disappear one day and this is the place they may be found.

In May, we saw inmates looking out the windows at us, writing notes of thanks and holding them up for us to see. This month, the new addition had been put to use - an addition that expanded the facility so that it is now three times its previous size.

With the new addition, inmates no longer have the ability to look out any window to the outside world.

I can't imagine a world without windows...

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of
spirit on the body.

Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling!

At night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its
face against mine.

Breathe into me.

Close the language-door and
open the love window.
The moon
won't use the door, only the window.

--Rumi. Translator: Coleman Barks

Thoughts on No-Thought

I've been wondering what I get from the trips that go on inside my head - singing songs over and over; thinking about things that don't need to be thought about. Sure, there are a lot of times when I need to think about logistics, challenges, ideas. But what do I get from singing (in my head) an old REM or Moody Blues song OVER and OVER???

When I stand in vigil on Saturdays, I watch what goes on inside this skull. I notice repetitive songs amidst useless ponderings about people who have passed by. When I become aware of such things, I usually let go of what feels like a tight grip on them and I just experience...

the sun on my face
the sights and sounds of movement in all directions
the sidewalk beneath my feet
the smells all around
what it feels like to be a part of this body

I sometimes imagine that I am an old tree, rooted beside the road. Not caring about what is happening, but just witnessing.

It is such a miracle to be right here, right now, I find it amazing that a mind would want to cover it all up with distractions.

I don't want to leave this world having missed the wild and beautiful ride!