Back Into The Cave

Mr. Buddha just got home after getting an echocardiogram..  He has "a fairly significant micro-regurgitation" in his heart, a.k.a., "low grade heart failure".

Yesterday, I took my mom and dad to the doctor so that my dad could get his pacemaker checked.  The battery is starting to have less energy and after my dad's next 6-month pacemaker check, they will have to start monitoring it more often.

Most likely, my dad doesn't know anything about his pacemaker check-up today.  I'm not sure that he knew the details yesterday.

Buddha came home all happy, instantly wanting his dog cookie and a trip out into the backyard.   No worries.

My dad and Buddha are both fine - except for their bodies.


So why am I a blubbering mess???

If you want to find me, just look for me in my cave.

On Giving (and Receiving)

I've been taking a Practice of Kindness class on-line and it is a wonderful experience.  

The first week, we were to do something kind for ourselves. I found that I do that.  A LOT.  But I don't normally completely receive my own kindness.  I don't FEEL it, take it in.  So the gift I gave myself was to really take in the kindnesses I do for myself.  In fact, I became more aware of the kindness of others and the kindness of Life.

I give myself an A+ for Week One.

For the second week, we were assigned the task of thinking of people who have been kind to us and we were to do something kind for them.  I had someone in mind.  I wanted to send him a card made with one of my photos.  I found that I am doing so many kind acts for my parents that I had no energy left to get the right photo printed, write the note, and get it sent.

I flunked Week Two.

Except I didn't, because I do kindnesses every day.

Just not the one that I had intended to do...

We are now in Week Three.  I can't remember the assignment.  I'm tired.  Oh, yeah.  We are to do an act of kindness for a good friend.  Still working on that.

This afternoon, I will be receiving a wonderful gift of kindness from one of my massage therapist friends.  She offered me a free massage because she knows that I am doing so much right now.  When she offered it, the floodgates opened up and I bawled like a baby.  Her thoughtfulness was so touching and beautiful.

I just picked some vegetables from my garden for her (hoping that she likes such things).

Now, as an act of kindness for myself, I'll quit grading myself in this class!

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.
Dalai Lama

One of my favorite quotes:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. - (Plato?)

The More They Stay The Same

Two years and two days ago, Buddha and I hiked for 6 hours on one of our favorite trails, Hell's Hole.  We walked among the fall aspen until we were full and satisfied.

Last year about this time, Mr. CfP and I took my parents on a drive to Hell's Hole so that they could see the shimmering yellows on the drive.

Now...

Buddha can no longer hike.  He can only do short, slow walks at the nearby park. 

My dad wouldn't enjoy riding for the two hours it would take to get to Hell's Hole and back.

I'm amazed at how much can change in a very short time.


Then again, as evident by the falling yellow aspen leaves, everything is changing all of the time.

****

I was a little sad today as Mr. CfP and I headed out to Hell's Hole without my favorite hiking buddy, Mr. Buddha (sorry, Mr. CfP; you're my #2 hiking buddy).


But I got filled up by taking in all of the stunning beauty.


And Buddha got extra lovin' when we got back.

Waterfalls!

Icicles!

Mushrooms!

Flowers!

Leaf-filled ponds!

Lately, I'm feeling a more profound need to soothe my soul.  Like a sponge, I find myself absorbing all of the goody out of anything that reeks of renewal:  things like lemon colored aspen leaves, the feel of cool mountain air, the blue Colorado skies, and the nuzzles of a Buddha dog who is happy to have me home.

I'm a lucky kind of woman.

Today is the International Day of Peace

I have been trying to

be peace

in every moment.

If I can't,

why would I ask it

of this world?

Some Friday Morning LOVE

This is about death.

And it's not morbid.

It's about being alive in this amazing moment.

RIGHT NOW!

Right now, I see the sun rising behind a three-story maple tree.

I hear the ti ti ti of Buddha's nails on the hardwood floor.

I feel the cool September air on my bare feet.

What do you see, hear and feel right now in this moment?



My dentist, who is younger than me

and who I love as a person

even more than as a great dentist

has lived through two kidney transplants

and the return of cancer after cancer

among other hard things.

He will no longer agree to more chemo.

He may not be here to do my 2011 check-up

But he may.

We never know such things ahead of time.


Last night

I watched a video

showing the smiling faces

of high school seniors

circa 1970,

students two years older than me

who are no longer alive.

They didn't make it to their 40th high school reunion.

I looked at those 19 faces, frozen as 17- and 18-year-olds,

faces of those who thought that they would live to be old,

and realized that I don't know if I will still be here

for my 40th class reunion.

We never know such things ahead of time.


Somehow,

all of this just makes this moment,

this moment where the sun shines so brilliantly orange,

and Buddha's ti ti ti sound has dropped into silence,

and my feet are cool enough to ask for socks...

it makes this moment so intensely whole,

so complete

and satisfying

and precious beyond words.

Honey, My Ears Are Ringing

Remember my wonderful, marvelous, amazing Tibetan Bowl?  The one I told you that "sings in at least 1,542 tones all at once"?

Well, we have learned that if one lies on their back and "gongs it" while it sits on their chest, their whole body resonates, especially from their chest to their head.  It creates a deep, relaxing feeling.

We have learned that when placing it on bellies, the sound doesn't last so long - belly blubber is soft and stops the vibration.

When placing the bowl on the wood floor near our feet, then striking it, we feel a beautiful vibration in the soles of our soul.


The other night, we wondered what it would be like to "be inside" the bowl as it rang with its 1,542 tones.

It was other-worldly!


Disclaimer:  Try this at your own risk.  Side effects may include hearing loss, altered reality, and loss of friends due to the weirdness factor. Not recommended for children younger than 12 years old.  Contact your doctor if you find yourself with your head in the bowl more than once a day or if any of the above side effects should occur.  Tibetan bowl makers and the author of this blog are not liable for any conditions caused by the misuse of Tibetan bowls.

Now That I Am Here

This is what my dad said to me yesterday when I asked him how he was doing:

"I'm doing much better, now that you are here!"

Is that not THE SWEETEST???


My dad comes from a long line of people who have not had the reputation of being demonstrative of their feelings.  I don't remember him ever saying anything so lovely to me.  I'm guessing that the dementia that has invaded his mind might be a contributor to opening my dad up so that his sweet words could come out. 


Many people fear dementia or have other negative feelings toward it.  I'm not going to say that I completely like it, but I also can't say that it is a problem for me.  Truthfully, I often enjoy people with dementia much more than those who have no diagnosis to explain their strange ways! 


With my dad and I, there are no longer stories of the past; no unfinished business. He is one of the few people in my life who lives right here, right now.  And since this moment is all we truly have, I wonder why people think that those with dementia have a problem while those who are constantly living in the non-existent past or future are considered mentally healthy.

So far, my dad knows who I am.  He knows my name.  When he no longer does, I won't have a problem with that.  I am not my name.  As I get his food for him or help him get into bed for his nap, I can be anyone or no one.  All that matters is the love.

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.  - Buddha

Finale

The end of my Michigan saga:


The day before I left Michigan, we took the Mackinac Bridge to the Upper Peninsula just to say we did it.  We had dinner on the other side - at a casino!  I had never been to a casino before.  Oh, my overwhelmed little heart.  Sorry if you are a casino type, but that place was like a bad dream!  I envision hell to be like that.  Sensory overload attacking from all sides.

This coming Monday, the 53rd Annual Bridge Walk will take place on the Mackinac Bridge - the bridge that links northern Michigan with the Upper Peninsula.  The Mackinac Bridge is the 3rd longest suspension bridge in the world.

While on the bridge

The middle lanes of the bridge are made of grating so that the wind can blow through.  We were stopped, due to some bridgework being done, so I opened the door and took this photo of what was below us.  That's Lake Huron through those holes. Looking down gave my stomach the willies.


I just read this on Wikipedia:  "On September 22, 1989, Leslie Ann Pluhar died when her 1987 Yugo plunged over the 36 inches (91 cm) high railing. A combination of high winds and excessive speed was initially blamed. Later investigation showed the driver had stopped her car over the open steel grating on the bridge's span. A gust of wind through the grating blew her vehicle off the bridge."  [emphasis is mine]


Glad I didn't know THAT while we were stopped on the grating!





This is the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island.  Rooms there range from $405 - $625 a night - for a SINGLE!  Oh, give me two of those!


I took the photo as we left the island on the ferry.  The movement and the spray caused the effects.  I didn't take the color out - don't know where that went.


Mackinac Island doesn't allow any motor vehicles, except snowmobiles in the winter.  The only forms of transportation are feet, bikes, or horse and buggy.  I kept thinking that I was on the Truman Show or something.  The silence was surreal and I kept waiting for the noise to commence.  Even though it would take this city girl a few hours, I think I could get used to the peacefulness.

Utah isn't the only place to find arches.  We viewed Lake Huron through this arch on Mackinac Island.







Lisa and I laughed and laughed. Five days of exercising the mouth and belly muscles.


It was great.

Dedicated to Joy

Feeling the need for some outside perspective, I called a woman I have never met, but who came highly recommended.  I was feeling stuck in childhood stories - the unfinished stories that can come up when we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of family once again.  After living independently for so long, only dancing in and out of family via short visits of dinners and holidays, this intense one-on-oneness, this role-reversalness  that has occurred since my mom broke her shoulder, well, it has all brought up feelings that take me back into my tumultuous teen years.  Daily heaviness, sadness, and tears have been my shadow.


As I hoped it would do, my session with the stranger gave me the nudge I needed in order to remember the important things that I already know.  


And part of the prescription that I left with:


Drink lots of good water
Eat lots of good food
Get lots of rest
Laugh a lot


Okay.  I don't need to do research to be sure that there are no bad side effects.  I can comply 100%.  


So... if you know any good jokes, feel free to contribute to my well-being.  In fact, this world needs all of the laughter it can get, so spread your jokes far and wide.


Here is a dumb one that still gives me a smile:

I'm so happy I could dance up the stairs... but I'm a Fred Astaires.